06 August 2011

Please God.

This morning I didn't hear Lorelei's traditional three pats on the rail of the crib to let me know she was awake. I heard a weird sound. Her body was trying to vomit and she couldn't breathe. I stuck her over the toilet and did the baby Heimlich on her and she spit out a big ball of snot. She started to be able to kind of cry but her lips were still blue, so I went to get the sucker to suction her out. But it wasn't where it was supposed to be. She had torn through the changing table draw and everything was scattered everywhere. I got Anton on the phone. I normally hold my cool in these types of situations, but when I explained that I was going to take her to the hospital, because I couldn't find the stupid sucker I lost it. How irresponsible of me to not know where something so important is! Luckily he told me where he thought she had thrown it and just didn't think to put it back. Thank the Lord it was there and 30 seconds later she was perfectly fine. The doctor is still getting a call.

Lorelei unfortunately has severe allergies that she inherited from her mother me! I should have known to give Lorelei her medicine and a breathing treatment when I started coughing last night, but she seemed perfectly fine at the time. I tend to be very conservative with medicine due to some of my family members having prescription drug addictions.
Never again will I be conservative in this department.

As I write this I haven't yet decided if I am going to post this. Tony and I are normally very private people when it comes to hardships.
Last Saturday we got stuck on the lake in the boat and Anton paddled the 300 horsepower boat all the way back to the dock. Every time a boat would come by he would quickly pull the oar back into the boat and pretend that everything was fine until they drove on by.

I realized at that moment that is how we are in general with our lives. In our past 8 years of our relationship we have endured hardships that literally no one outside of our marriage is completely aware. (no infidelity was not involved!) We tried really hard to put up a smile and walk through our days. We would rarely speak of anything and if we did give people a glimpse of our pain I felt like I just released too much information and felt dirty and guilty. I still feel guilty looking back at the times I opened up to someone. I tried really hard a couple of weeks ago to open up to our church small group thinking I have been healed and the scars were gone. I couldn't even give up more than a glimmer of my pain with out having to embarrassingly leave.

Lorelei had some blood test come back that are high. I actually opened up somewhat and told two other people than my husband. My grandma and cousin. That is huge for me. I really want people to pray. We have to wait to retest on August 12th to rule out the possibility of cancer. The nurse says they are not too concerned right now since they think the elevated counts are probably due to her previous illness. I don't have my normal laid back attitude that everything will be fine anymore.
I know what it is like to sit in the shower alone, praying from the deepest part of your soul, full of trust, tears streaming down and God still giving me a BIG NO.
I know that God isn't a genie and I have no clue why he makes the decisions he does.
I his unworthy servant is frustrated why he can't just tell me why or what on earth he is thinking.
I pray every second of my day please not Lorelei, please not Lorelei. Don't let any harm come to my sweet Lorelei, Hunter, and Anton. I never want to experience that kind of pain. Never! Never!
Let not a single strand on their head be touched in a harmful way!
Please, please let this be something simple, no biggie thing and me the normally non over reactor just have over reacted! Please!

So if I decide to post. Please keep my sweet family in your prayers and forgive my utter indulgence of letting out too much information.

(if I decide to post this and you see me even if you are family please pretend that you never read it. I will not want to talk about it in person. At least in the blogosphere I falsely feel anonymous.)


Jenae said...

Oh Mercedes, we will be praying!!! I'm so sorry you had such a terrible scare! We'll pray that the levels are perfectly normal by the 12th. Thinking of you, sweet friend!!!

Rachel@I Heart Crafty Things said...

I am practically in tears reading this. I just barely came across your blog today and I know I don't know you but I want you to know how touched I feel by your story and that your family and Lorelei will by in my prayers. I hope you get positive, reassuring news from the tests.

Mercedes said...

Thank you

Gabrielle said...

Remember, God is faithful and by your side. He did not promise easy times, but that he would never leave us. God bless you.

'When I understand that everything happening to me is to make me more Christlike, it solves a great deal of anxiety.' - A.W. Tozer

Exodus 14:14
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

a happy wanderer said...

sending lots of hugs your way... and lots of warm thoughts. feel what you need to feel, and do what you need to do... whatever that may be.

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

This is a hard decision, isn't it? Once you cross over the "share everything in my life" on a blog, there is no going back.

I will keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers!

Great thing is....there's always the delete button if you change your mind later. :)

Sarah said...

Hang in there. My thoughts are with you and hopefully August 12th will bring nothing but good news.

Ruth @ atnumber29 said...

I just found your blog today. I'll pray (and also will now have to follow to see how it all works out.) We can cast all our cares upon him for he cares for us!